On Dying

For many years, I have felt a certainty that I will continue beyond physical death.

95% of the time, this comforts me, and I rely on it in times of thoughts of death.

Sometimes, though, my mind decides to play devil’s advocate, and I think about the alternative.

The pleasant reality is that I have come to appreciate both possibilities.

It seems there are two, given my …current circumstances.

1. I die, and there is life after death, and the REAL adventure begins!

2. I die, and that’s it. I finally have some peace and quiet, and never again will anything pain or suffer me again.

The pondering of #1 is like winning the lottery, but better. More like an eternal lucid dream… awareness after death…eternal

awareness…never dying…

The pondering of #2 is peace….eternal peace. After all of life’s pains, annoyances, fears, frustrations, worries, suffering, and

grief….never again. Never a single other suffering. FOREVER peace.

Both of these sound pretty spectacular to me.

Unfortunately, a third thought has popped up.

No, it’s not Hell.
No. I’m not much of a hell ponderer.

I go back several years to a quote that stuck in my mind…. a quote that has niggled my mind and gently troubled me for years.

Only recently has it really meant so much to me.

John Donne:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the

sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s

death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for

thee.

Queerly, it isn’t an intellectual draw.

It’s something stranger and deeper. It’s in my bones, my blood, my cells, if you will.

Read this again. I mean it very, very strongly.

How can you know your brother is going to hell, and not care? How can you think ANYONE is going to hell, and not care? Is

it not like going to hell yourself?

How can you ascend to heaven, knowing your brethren are descending to hell?

I could not.

And I ponder it, in those dark times when I think about the rotting, the dead, the worms eating me… (no, I didn’t just make that

up…I got it from my Baptist Minister grandfather..of all places…yet at what point in life he said it, I do not know. Perhaps it was

when he was dying, young, from uremic poisoning and looked into my still then idealistic and religious father’s eyes with a look

my father would later claim as saying, “This has all been bullshit.”)

Why is it dark? Because I think, selfishly, oh, the relief from life’s miseries, if instead of afterlife, we really die, worms eating us,

as the athiest proclaims,what a wonderful, pleasant relief….

but no.

John Donne still haunts me.

Damn you, John Donne.

I think about that tiny, tiny, tiny little possibility….that possibility that maybe we really DO rot in the ground, worms eating us, as

Grandpa Lunsford said, and I think, no…you cannot relax, and finally achieve relief.

There are others you are interweaved with, entwined with, who are suffering…those who you leave behind…who continue to live

and breath and breed and suffer and die and yearn…and it goes on and on and on and on and on…forever and ever and

ever…and how can you relax and have any kind of relief knowing you are entertwined with these…souls…and that they will

continue striving on and suffering?

How could I possibly believe, Pappy Lunsford, that at the end, suffering and in pain and dying, that we are really just primates,

and it was all for naught, and the worms eat us?

How you must have felt when you you passed over and found out differently.

Controlling Your Emotions Through Expression

It was a few weeks ago when wallowing in one of my longer-lasting emotional valleys that I suddenly remembered something that had vaguely caught my interest a couple years back in Bio Psych class. It was about the James-Lange theory. (Here’s a synopsis of it: http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/james_lange_emotion.htm

Common View:

Scary Happening ——-> Fear —————> Running Away Lange Theory

Scary Happening——–>Running Away ——>Fear

I got to thinking about all this, when I was in my Doldrums Mode. And I decided to experiment. For one full day. I decided to smile. ALL DAY. Now, part of my Doldrums Mode experience was that two things that were happening dissipated:

1. I was rolling and saturating in past experiences. I could not stop rubbing my own nose in my past screw ups, dumb-asseries, and uglinessess. And, oh Lord, what simple things some of them were… very, very simple little silly things nobody would ever remember except me, and I was slamming my face into them, over and over. Looking back, it was like a sick, subconscious attempt at “flooding” (a technique used in behavior therapy; client is flooded with experiences of a particular kind until becoming either averse to them or numbed to them) , but for the purpose of changing reactions to memories this time, rather than phobia control. Well, it wasn’t working. The shocking result #1 of my neurological smile experiment was this: when I dredged up these memories with a big grin on my face, THE SHAME DISSIPATED. This is so huge you may just sort of overlook it. It’s one of those things the human mind doesn’t really grasp so well. Author Whitley Streiber said when something is TOO bizarre, the brain ignores it. Makes sense. You will probably not believe this, but on that day, my past-pain-wallowing STOPPED.

2. Shocking result number two. During this smile experience, I realized that IT WAS MORE DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER THE ACTUAL PAINFUL DETAILS OF AN EVENT.

——————————————————————

Now, I am not a neurologist. (I only play one in my more imaginative manic moods, hardy har. ) But this seems like some pretty heavy stuff, and it bears further experimentation. I also noticed that when I thought of stereotypically sad things that didn’t particularly bother me, and then put on a mock-tragic expression of sadness, that I seemed to feel sadder. Here is a simple article on the subject. I highly recommend doing your own experiments…

Here’s an article that touches upon it a bit…

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1871687,00.html

BTW…I am a courier, so grinning hugely while on the road was no problem for me.  As for those that work in an office….you’re on your own…  LOL

Uncle Arthur, I never knew ye….

My mother has been making a scrapbook for my son for Christmas.  Oh, it’s fabulous. Captions, special paper, quotes, all manner of wonderfulness.

The mess in the dining room is spectacular.

The greatest fun, though, is all the pictures that are laying about.  Some just bring back memories. Others, I have never seen.

It was with a great thrill that I found a stack from my father’s collection. I found pictures of my grandpa, Reverend Lunsford Heath, and pictures I’d never seen of my grandmother, and all kinds of things.

But the best was a mystery man….ARTHUR. 

I had to wait until mom and dad got up to find out who this mystery man was.

It’s UNCLE Arthur!

With glee, I showed mom the picture, and commented on the tounge in cheek “long face” comment…..she added, and they’re both made of wood…

Not the wooden leg! said I, with further glee!

When dad was small, and obedient, he asked a man what had happened to his leg.  The man responded, “If you promise not to ask any more questions, I will tell you!”

My father promised.

“Something bit it.”

What of Suffering?

I’m in a state of maniacal glee…not unlike a mad woman.
Have you ever been so infused with JOY that you begin laughing and crying at the same time, and felt like a
bubble bouncing along a stream?  I have been doing this all day.  Sometimes while reading, sometimes while
just driving along.  It begins bubbling up again, and I am like a crazy woman, driving down the road,
laughing crazily with tears running down my face.

I am experiencing the  book The Great Divorce by CS Lewis.  It is metaphorically named and takes
place in Heaven. It is based on a dream.  Yet, I read it and it seems so true…it resonates with me.

For a long, long time, I have had a feeling I could not quite put into words about the significance of suffering.

People have long asked why God allows people to suffer, and while there are several answers to this
question, one thing stands out in my mind, that is so hard to explain.  I felt, somehow, that on the other side, in eternity, it will seem as nothing.

When one’s friend has suffered a loss, or is suffering, (and lately it seems many have) my heart turns cowardly and can not, will not, brave answering the question. I simply express my pain at their pain, and do not suppose to suggest reasons we must suffer or any thoughts on the subject.

In The Great Divorce, I came upon this.  I want to share it with YOU.  I hope that this will entice you to
also read the book and that you too, will experience the same joy.  If you find that I have caused you to
yearn to read it too, and do not have the means, email me and I will try to provide you with a copy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘ye cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door

of the Timeless he brought no message back.  But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good

and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective.  Not only this valley but all their earthly past will

have been Heaven to those who are saved.  Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too,

will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell.  That is what mortals misunderstand.  They say of some

temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it.” not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work

backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say, “Let me have but

this and I’ll take the consequences”: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past

and contaminate the pleasure of the sin.  Both processes begin even before death.  The good man’s past

begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad

man’s past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness.  And that is why, at the end of

all things, when the sun reises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say “We

have never lived anywhere except in Heaven, “and the Lost, “We were always in Hell. “  And both will

speak truly.’

Happy Birthday, Romeow

It r Romeow’s Birfday.

*teh donkee is all alone and tinks
she cannutt bee herd*

Is quiet, and

Her is thinkeeng abowt her Romeow.

Shhhh…u kin heer hurr fots if u lissen
wiff ur hart:

“Oh, Romeow
u is a star
u shine so brite, so brite
u is a lite.

And insite.
U sends mee wurds
u fink r nuffin speshull
an i sits an stares at dem
an dey vibrates wiff a magnetism

(sumtimes like wen i reeds mah Good Book
its kind ub like dat)

an u say
oh donkey wut a bootifull thing
an turn it into a lettur
dat i wunt to frame
u mek mee feel 5 an wunt to SING

U fly froo teh sky
wiff no feer
and I
has a hart full ub lub
an eyes full ub teers as I sings

u gibs ME wings!

an, oh! U meks such bootifull fings

why,
i fink i wud find dem at teh fantsy place
or sumplace furr ellebentee thousand dollars
butt dem is priceless.

an Romeow teh cat
Rest him soul
looks down an crais
wiff joy dat hee gotts too bee yur bebbeh

How prowd hee muss bee
Hee shows all him frens
an points wiff floofeh arm
Look, dat MAH hyoomun
an has a prowd
an dey nod sollumlee
wiff big eyes

sumtams i marvels how life can bee so byootifull,
an den u cums along and turns up teh shine.

Carol does it again…

The last few days I have been pouting.

Sulking.

Seething, too.

I have been a very naughty donkey.

Seems like every little thing has been @!$$ing me off. Just stupid little crap. So needless to say I have been in need of a spiritual buttkick.

And then I got the most wonderful advice from Carol. It came titled, “Advice from a Tennessee Mountain Man.”

Being a rather obnoxious donkey lately, I am surprised I read the Advice. But I did. And my mouth just kept dropping open farther and farther. It wasn’t just one or two items. It was a ton of them. I was just dumbfounded. I am going to print out the list and meditate on it…they need to sink in.

I was so impressed with the list I wanted to share it with you all, too. It contains some excellent advice everyone can benefit from.

Thank you, Carol.

(And thank YOU, Janey, for your ever-constant vigilance to keep me in line. *smile*)

Here it is:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness doesn’t just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel, or unkind word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about is never gonna happenanyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don’t interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
comes from bad judgment.
Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence,
try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest up to God.

Ask and you shall receive….

I saw this a couple days ago and my heart just melted.

I immediately thought of my good ICHC friend Carol (idansdansdans) who is just going through medical hell every single day, and yet somehow, everyday, manages to send me scads of funny and inspiring and wonderful emails. We just kind of “feed” each other. What an appropriate picture. I just could not stop staring at it with the most tender feeling. So I sent it to her. And of course, she loved it. She’d love a colored paperclip if I made it for her-reminds me of my mom. What a loving heart.

But this morning I was still thinking about it. It wouldn’t leave my mind. It had just sort of wiggled its way into my mind and heart and would not leave. And then I started seeing some interesting things in it.

You know, this picture very much represents how I see our relationship with our Maker. As usual, this explanation will not become immediately obvious, so bear with me, LOL.

Everything belongs to Him. When they sacrificed part of their flock to show their gratitude for his gifts, they knew it belonged to him. (Going off on a tangent-this reminds me of the story of Cain and Abel’s gifts to God. I used to feel sorry for Cain and his rejected offer. I now I see it a little differently, I think. His heart was not only not in the giving, but he resented giving back WHAT WAS NEVER HIS FROM THE BEGINNING.)

I look at this picture and see this precious, sweet little kitty as us, the human race, and the hand is God’s. The little kitty believes this shiny expensive thingee is a “munnee” and he is going to “buy” his friend whom he loves some sustenance and happy. He is asking for help for his little friend. Oh, little kitty, you do not need a shiny munnee. Your Master will gladly give your friend a cheezburger!!

The more you reflect on this, the more things come to mind…

Of course, we, the watcher, “know” the truth…the hand belongs to the master of the house, and he owns all in it, including this shiny munnee. How endearing is this act…this naive innocent kitty believes he is buying the gift for his friend.

We ask our Maker for many things and sometimes we try to “bargain”, too, as though we have some control or power. He owns all things, and has all the power. We need only ask with a grateful heart.

/ Thank you, “Dee5″, for this wonderful caption.

Markers, Part II, and Other Thoughts

I wrote about “Markers” and how some things/pictures/words just resonate with you and I speculated that maybe they come with spiritual “markers.” I suppose you could interpret that as meaning it has a big flag attached that draws your attention, or that is has been highlighted, with, say, a yellow magic highlighter. You may not even receive the significance of it right away, but it sits there, vibrating in your conscious.

I remember many years ago reading the book IT by Stephen King. At one point little brother Georgie was standing on the stairs, afraid to go down into the basement. He looked over and saw a tin of Turtle Wax on the wall shelf. He was momentarily transfixed by it, but didn’t know why. King went on about the spiritual significance of the turtle.

I wonder if King understands the significance of markers and thinks about them the same way I do. I don’t recall ever hearing anyone talk about this, have you?

You can hear the same old cliches, sayings, and expressions, see the same old objects and sites and pictures, and one day what was previously mundane can slap you in the face. It has been given a marker!

As a preteen I was exposed to the Baptist religion by my father’s mother, and learned there to add, “In Jesus’ name I pray” or “I ask this in Jesus’ name” because they believe we only get to heaven through Christ. This habit became ingrained in me but I did not understand the significance of it. I said it quietly, and in my head. Some prayers I wanted to pray did not get prayed because next to this ending, they seemed trivial and worthless. It sounded funny to me. Countless times I asked God over the years if I really had to. (Awwww…do I have to, ma?) Eventually God answered.

In case you haven’t noticed, Jesus has never been considered a terribly cool name with the mainstream society. Claiming Him as your friend does not garner a lot of popularity. Usually at best you will be politely tolerated. I suppose at worst, you might have been boiled in a vat of oil.

Habit caused me to pray this way, but my heart was just not in it. I felt that all paths lead to God, that God’s plan is mysterious, and that all will return to God eventually. It is not for me to understand everyone’s path and plan, only to listen and act.

I had always heard that Jesus had said if any man is ashamed of Him, He will be ashamed of that man in front of His Father. This always made me a tiny bit nervous, and seemed small-minded considering the Source, but I didn’t dwell on it.

Then, one day, a few weeks ago, it slammed me: it came with a marker. I heard or read it again and for no apparent reason, this time it sat in my mind vibrating and STARING at me. I suddenly saw it in a whole new way. Just imagine, when you were a child, if you had made friends with a really awesome kid. You thought that you and he really connected, really bonded, ahd great times, greats laughs, and everythings was joyous when you were with him. Your life suddenly just blew wide open with this new blessing. Then, one day, you are with him and run into a group of his friends you do not know.

Suddenly, he turns his back on you and treats you like a dog, like something attached to his shoe. His friends laugh at you, eye you with smirks and amusement, roll their eyes, make “knowing” comments under their breath. They scorn you, and your hairs stand on end with horror and the realization of your rejection. You are ALONE. You feel sick to your stomach.

Would you want to introduce this kind of “friend” to your family and bring them into your HOME?  Introduce them to your mother and father? Your siblings? Oh, HELL, no!

This is what you are doing to His Son, when you are ashamed of Him. When this analogy, made for me, personally, to bring home the point,  hit me, I saw it in a whole new light.

I asked for forgiveness, and I YELLED my prayer ending with pride. (Go ahead, roll those eyes, LOL! ) I continued to pray aloud until it became ingrained in me and I could feel the approval BLOOMING! in me, like a physical  warmth in my veins. I KNEW I had done the right thing and the blessings began to arrive by the TRUCKLOAD. My spiritual ‘phone line’ opened up and the ‘calls’ started pouring in.

I do not believe Muslims are going to hell. Or Buddhists. Or even atheists. I am not sure hell is actually for humans. I do not know the details of hell, and do not want to. My gut tells me this is not for me to concern myself with, and to listen to what I receive and share it. I believe God has a plan for every human being, and their path to Him is a mystery I do not understand, nor is it any of my business. Your business with God is YOUR business, and I will not tell you you are wrong. I will only live as I feel is right, and hope that something positive comes from the WATCHING.

Even Billy Graham, Baptist Preacher, said God may send him to another planet to work! The only evangelist I ever loved, this raised my respect and joy in him even more. God says to me, “Don’t fret, little donkey, you just do what *I* tell you to do and let Me worry about the rest.” This is what I can handle. I do not believe God will give you a bigger job than you can handle.

It is not for me to judge. MY mission is to share my blessings and tell. People are WATCHING, always, and they may never say a word, but what you do and say affects them. You never know what ripples your positive or negative behavior may cause. That is why I believe it is more effect not to criticize, but rather to quietly live/be how you feel is right, and be an example.  The damage you cause with the tiniest rude or critical comment needs 7 positive things to cancel it out. It sits and vibrates hatefully in people’s countenance.  It is harmful.

My next challenge was the expression “Praise the Lord.” I have always hated that expression.

I associated it with annoying foolish television evangelists and a certain angry, challenging, argumentative relative (no, not the grandmother) who would say it and smile with angry, intense eyes. YIKES!

For this challenge, I received a song.

It was divinely inspired-just came at me all at once, complete with a tune! I have sung it about a million times since. “Praise the Lord” is a major part of the words. It has an addictive tune, and I could not stop singing it! The expression is becoming more and more comfortable to me. I cannot call it out like the more devout, but it is working on me. I am continually adding more to it, too.

I want to leave you with this picture from my good friend Romeow. She sent this to me a while back and it came with markers. It just stuck in my mind’s eye and I kept seeing it with pleasure.  Finally, I put a border on it and captioned it and it says exactly how it effects me. Thank you, Romeow, for this beautiful picture of your babies. Here, TJ is watching La Luz joyfully do the “pushy paws” on the floofy rug..

(PS…to those of you who are watching, I have not had a drink since my post, and do not miss it.  PRAISE THE LORD!)

Ripples Addendum: “You Make A Difference”

My mother made me watch this today. Please watch it to the end. It is powerful.

http://www.blueribbonmovie.com

The Healing of an Alcoholic

The Donkey has a secret.

She is was an alcoholic.

Now, I may lose a few friends with this post. Not because I believe that any of you would judge me for being an alcoholic, but rather because you may think I have finally gone overboard and am a chronic liar, an insane attention whore, a delusional freak, or all three.

Some of you know. (I never told you but I figured you had enough sense to realize it.) Others, reading what I post, and seeing the type of personality I have, have probably guessed.

The story of the IBS healing was pretty amazing. I am still living that miracle. But this may be a little too far fetched for some of you to believe. If you do not, I understand. But it needs telling.

I have exhibited red flags in the drinking area since I was a teenager. It just got worse over the years. The last couple years it has blown up.

I have been drinking at least 1 pint of Vodka every single night when I come home from work. Once in a while, more.

My mother and son have suffered tremendously.

My father is also an alcoholic. That is why I haven’t been kicked out of the house. What can he say? He has criticized me for everything under the sun over the years, but cannot bear to bring up this issue.

When my spiritual blossoming occurred as of late, I knew a day of reckoning would come. I have terrific power issues regarding what I consume, because I have a hungry hole the size of the Grand Canyon. It is rapidly closing.

I finally came to a decision. I was NOT going to stop. I was NOT going to AA. I was fulling admitting of my alcoholism, and chose to continue it. I dug in my jackass heels and told God, “Make me.” God said, “Fine. You can’t deal with. I’ll take care of it.” I said, “Goody!” and assily poured another drink.

(Uh, uh!! C’mon fat hippo! Ding! Noah!! Wuttt??? Those are both female! “You change one of ‘em!!)

I didn’t think God did that. Apparently he does, for stubborn jackass donkeys who won’t even try.

I drank my pint. Not much affect…huh.

So, I went out and bought some more. Then I stayed up UNTIL 3 AM DRINKING NON STOP UNTIL I KNEW IF I DIDN’T GO TO BED I’D MISS WORK. I was so wired and sober feeling and full of creative energy.

I went to bed, wondering why the hell I didn’t feel drunk.

The next day the desire was gone…I thought, huh. How odd, and poured a drink in the afternoon. Nothing. Continued to drink for the rest of the night. Nothing. I have never felt so sober in my life. Finally it got through my skull: He changed your metabolic process when he took away the IBS (I could feel it happening inside.) And now it is running through your system like water. I lay the bottle aside and didn’t take another drink. Why bother?

I called mom while out on the road the next day and told her I had been healed. The hungry hole is slowly closing, being filled by God and my friends and ICHC. She almost cried. Her voice sounded real soft and funny. I asked her to do me a favor and go through my room and throw all the bottles away, as a favor. She did.

Now I am typing and enjoying the smell of sausage she is cooking for the spaghetti, and enjoying a cup of decaf coffee with Pralines and Cream Coffee Mate Creamer, which never tasted so delicious. I don’t even miss that stinky ol cheap vodka.

Praise the Lord!

I used to hate that expression. Made me think of old annoying preachers giving you the hairy eyeball and judging you. Now I say it more and more.

And now I will go catch up on some letter writing to some friends who deserve my attention.

Life just gets more and more amazing.

I think I have lots of work to do, and I need to be sober.

I love you guys.

PS….yah, I’ll continue to dants for the furstees while you have ur martoonies! I’ll just be havin some new creative healthier choices than I used to!

PSS .,..maybe weight loss will come next? ….I’ll keep you posted!