It Wouldn’t Be Fair

I was thinking this morning about how people say the Bible has been altered and tweaked and how now there is confusion about meaning and intent.

I wrote this little story this morning with that in mind, thinking about how it is human nature to utilize slippery slopes and lame excuses to our moral detriment.

I am particularly pleased to share this because I feel that it is a valuable, thought-provoking tool for everyone, whether one has a religious faith or not, because it addresses the moral issue of following spirit of the law as opposed to letter of the law.

It Wouldn’t Be Fair!-A Kafleen the Donkey Allegory

“DO EAT THE BOSTON CREAM PIE IN THE FRIJ!”

said the note on the refrigerator when they returned home from school.
They gathered round it and stared at the obvious handwriting of their
father. They were hungry, foraging for snacks, and that pie beckoned
like a lusciously-dressed siren.

“DOOOO EAT THE BOSTON CREAM PIE,” Evelyn repeated in a
chant-like tone, her nose close to the note, eyes crossed, bugged out, as though scrutinizing closely.

They sniggered wildly.

Obviously, they knew deep down, father had somehow accidentally
omitted the “NOT” in his haste-perhaps to go to the grocery store?-as there was not much in the refrigerator.

The exquisitely made-with-mother-love pie beckoned sweetly.

“Frij,” snickered Adam. “What’s a frij? Makes no sense!”

“Sounds obscene, even,” Another added.

They tittered nervously, staring at the pie. Its chocolaty goodness
seemed almost to vibrate.

“There’s one in the REFRIGERATOR,” one of them said. IT must be a
DIFFERENT pie,”

and,

“Couldn’t hurt to sniff it…”

The BC pie was carried to the counter. Their noses and eyes scrutinized it closely.

Tittering, commenting and questioning snarkily, they circled the pie like hyenas.

“It DOES demand that we eat it!”, the Other said. “And we SHOULD
be obedient children!” (nervous twitters again) “How FAIR would it be if we were punished for following the instructions?” (hands on hips, huge
innocent eyes punctuated this line of logic)

After a period of similar justifications, they soon found themselves picking at the pie.

They weren’t really eating it. Just …testing it. Why, if something brushed against it in the refrigerator, or fell on it, accidentally, the same marks
could have been made.

“Hell,” said one, “might as well have a SLICE now.”

They were almost finished with their innocent law-abiding deed, the pie
plate empty, their stomachs full, when their father suddenly appeared in the kitchen, groceries in hand, the smell of their favorite take-out dinner

food guilty pricking at their full stomachs and empty consciences.

Their smeared, chocolate faces stared in horror, frozen, mid-bite, at his furious, shocked, hurt, and disbelieving face.

Scalding, hot shame now ran through their bodies. Not a single voice
dared look in that face and smartily cry, “But you told us to do it!” Deep
inside their guilt swam boiling through their veins.

There was hell to pay.

Cheering You Up

It may appear jejune to some to start a post with a definition, but in this case it well suits my purpose:

cheer (chîr)
n.
1. Lightness of spirits or mood; gaiety or joy: a happy tune, full of cheer.
2. A source of joy or happiness; a comfort.
3.
a. A shout of approval, encouragement, or congratulation.
b. A short, rehearsed jingle or phrase, shouted in unison by a squad of cheerleaders.
4. Festive food and drink; refreshment.
v. cheered, cheer·ing, cheers
v.tr.
1. To make happier or more cheerful: a warm fire that cheered us.
2. To encourage with or as if with cheers; urge: The fans cheered the runners on. See Synonyms at encourage.
3. To salute or acclaim with cheers; applaud. See Synonyms at applaud.
v.intr.
1. To shout cheers.
2. To become cheerful: had lunch and soon cheered up.

I’ve always understood the concept of cheering someone up as causing them to feel jolly, as in definition one.

And I’ve always understood the concept of cheer as in shouting cheers, to encourage, as in cheering on your team.

But, (and yes, I can be shockingly dense) it just today occurred to me that “cheering someone up” can involve the latter definition; rather than doing something simply to make a person feel jolly, as it were, one can “cheer one up” by actually cheering them on, involving a metaphorical act of jumping up and down and saying, basically, “You rock!”

This may seem obvious to you, but it eluded me until now.

It reminds me, again, of how important it is to make the rounds, and “cheer people on!”

I enjoy doing it on ICHC…sometimes it just comes in the form of a simple “LOL” or “snurt” so they know someone is watching or appreciating their humor. It can be huge, though. The possibilities are endless.

When faced with depression, loneliness, and some of the other negative symptoms of the season, I prescribe the “Go Cheer Someone UP!” prescription!

Actually, it works better if you don’t just focus on one person. By putting all your eggs in one basket, you may be disappointed. People get busy, distracted, etc., and they may not notice or comment on your attempt, (that doesn’t make them calloused, just human) so don’t stop at just one, or you may get discouraged.

The Donkey encourages you to Go Cheer Up as many people as you can!

Good Luck and God Speed.

Sobriety, Part III

I’ve had a tremendous spiritual breakthrough in the last couple months that has been a huge milestone for me.

I had become increasingly depressed in a strange, different sort of way than I had been before. It wasn’t any kind of sadness, but rather, a kind of deadness inside that disturbed me. I wanted to die because I was bored with this place, and pissed at its inhabitants. Not because I was in pain, but because I just was greedy and wanted to move on!!! The antidepressant I tried did nothing. Bizarrely, they did not even have the side effects they always did in the past, except for one unusual dream, and that was it. It was as if I wasn’t even taking them.

I had started drinking again over a year ago. It was purely a control issue and a desire to get that old happy feeling back. Well, as I mentioned when I quit before, that warm drunky feeling was to be no more. I could no longer get that. It was infuriating and I felt like a ghost in CS Lewis’ The Great Divorce, trying to get drunk in the afterlife, to no avail.

In the meantime I spent a lot of time praying. LOTS of time praying. Praying for others, of course, but also a lot of prayers that basically went over the same things: to be a better Christian, mother, daughter, friend, and employee, AND (ironically!) to be protected against every tiniest little smidge of emotional pain or unhappy event.

Well, geez, how is THAT supposed to work?????

This did not hit me until something extremely painful happened about a month ago. My mechanic helped me get my car, an Acura I am thrilled with. In the midst of this, I inadvertently offended him.

Since this is a public place, it’s best not elaborated on, but suffice it to say, it was a nightmare. Happily, it has blown over, but this was a watershed experience for me.

Spiritually and emotionally, at a gut level, I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I would need to do so far, and I grovelled painfully. It was tremendously difficult but I instinctively knew what I was doing, coupled with constant prayer, was the right thing. I have always had difficulty apologizing to anyone whom I felt was not likely to be gracious in response, and I knew somehow it needed to be done anyway.

It was then that it was revealed to me that I had an intense desire to grow spiritually but that I was blocking God from helping me by clinging and whining to be protected. The next hardest thing I had to do, possibly the hardest in my life, was to say out loud to Him to stop protecting me from everything and help me start growing, even if it hurt.

That was when the flood gates opened. Then I started having all kinds of ideas for things, e.g., asking for help in getting over my fears, even if I had to do scary things. I cried when I prayed that prayer.

As soon as the car was bought, I went online on Craigslist to sell the Honda. In 5 minutes I had a buyer. He came right out. A few nights later he invited me to his church. It was like home.

Two days before going to that church, I knew it wasn’t right to drink and go to that church. I prayed to God, and said, ok, Lord, if you will hold my hand through this, I will take the money I spend for the booze and give it to you in tithe. I will give you at least 10% every payday. And You can take care of the rest of my monetary needs as you see fit. I will leave that in your hands.

For two days I thought, how can I do this. I just decided to let God worry about it.

Church was at 4pm Sunday. Sunday morning I had a couple of drinks. (I liked to drink on Sunday mornings, but not the rest of the week because I worked) I wondered what would happen. Around 2 in the afternoon (I was sober) I was standing in my room and just silently looking down at my empty bottles on the floor and a feeling of euphoria rushed over me. I started crying and laughing with a kind of glee and started scooping them all up and throwing them away. I dumped out the rest of my vodka in the sink. That afternoon I went to church, tithed $120, and felt awesome about it. I knew I did not have enough money left to pay for my gas for my courier job, but I felt strangely calm that the Lord would provide.

No, this is not normal behavior for me…haha!

About three days later, out of the blue, for no reason, dad decided to give me a Christmas gift early: $300. Mom told me he had already contributed money with her to buy Christmas presents for me so “he must be losing his mind.”

Needless to say, I then had more than enough funds.

I haven’t drank since. The first week, last week, I was euphoric all week. This week I am more subdued. I am also sleeping much better. The first few nights were bad, but mom said she discovered if she goes to bed at 9, she can sleep all night, and I found the same was true for me! I have had great sleep, and great dreams.

So as you can see, things going my way, I have finally come to realize, is not such a great thing. Of course knowing this intellectually is not enough. I cannot stress that enough. ( Pain and experience are necessary to sort of tattoo lessons, if you will, on our soul. That is one of mankind’s hardest lessons to learn: that pain is necessary for growth) Things going God’s way is awesome, and I have learned to asked for that now at all times.

11/18 will be 30 days sober. Again.

The Phoenix Effect

I’m terribly excited. I don’t know quite where to begin because so much has happened and it all has come together. Everything is so synchronistic there is no doubt as to its spiritual significance.

For months I have been depressed, and saw no way through it. It didn’t feel like the clinical depressions I have had in the past, though, and I didn’t know how to deal with it except to continue praying, and to try the antidepressants. After two months, they did nothing. They didn’t even affect my dreams like they used to. I stopped taking them and felt no difference.

I reached a point where I was spiritually wallowing and did not want to continue here. I just whined and cried to God that I hate this place and why couldn’t I move on? Then I would pray, as always, that I would be a better Christian, mother, daughter, employee, friend, and human being while following it up with protect me, don’t let me be hurt, don’t let me suffer, blah blah blah ad nauseum.

Try not to laugh too hard at my blind ironic pleas…

Sometimes you have to plunge straight into the cold swimming pool, or you’ll stand around forever dipping your toe and screaming.

Finally, something happened that forced me into growth. I had a horrible, humiliating misunderstanding in which I insulted someone who was trying to financially help me purchase a car.

It was a nightmare.

This experience was the catalyst that caused the wake up call and some growth. Suddenly, in the midst of this horrid thing, I realized I couldn’t ask to be sheltered if I wanted to grow from this experience, and that I was going to have to bite the bullet and experience the lesson in its entirety. The instant I realized this, EVERYTHING started flowing together.

It was like a blossoming of a tight little bud. My prayers changed and I was able to even more fully understand about not asking for your will but God’s to be done. I became astutely aware of my interferences, my fears, my prides, my EXCUSES, my self pities, in a way never before seen. And while sickened at this new situation I was in, at the same time there was a new feeling of safety and security, and okayness, and a stronger sense of self and identity and esteem building.

I could literally feel the spiritual growth happening, my awareness changing and refining, and suddenly I was so glad to be alive and able to learn!

I found this book in the house, which has been waiting for me until the right moment, and it is today. It listed 10 Wisdom Statements, and suggested I respond with my way that I will try to manifest it as a reality to my self. So I have copied them here in all caps, and then written after them one of the ways I decided I would try to manifest this.

The amazing thing is how it flowed, and feel I am on the right track to spiritual progress again.

1. YOU HAVE A HIGHER PURPOSE
I am here to conduit God’s love.

2. YOU ARE IN COMMUNICATION WITH THE WHOLE OF LIFE.
I will improve my listening and understanding skills. I will spend more effort on listening than speaking; I will spend more time on understanding the others point of view BEFORE trying to express my own.

3. YOUR AWARENESS IS ALWAYS OPEN TO CHANGE. FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT IT SENSES EVERYTHING IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT.
I will try to listen to that quiet little Voice and not distract my self with petty drama throughout the day.

4.YOU FEEL ACCEPTANCE FOR ALL OTHERS AS YOUR EQUAL, WITHOUT JUDGMENT OR PREJUDICE.
I will try to understand why they feel/do as they do.

5.YOU SEIZE EVERY MOMENT WITH RENEWED CREATIVITY, NOT CLINGING TO THE OLD AND OUTWORN.
How can I give my God given talents to glorify God rather than burying them?

6.YOUR BEING IS CRADLED IN THE RHYTHMS OF THE UNIVERSE. YOU FEEL SAFE AND NURTURED.
I will spend time each day in the NOW where I do not anticipate nor ruminate, but enjoy the current communion with the universe around me.

7.YOUR IDEA OF EFFICIENCY IS TO LET THE FLOW OF LIFE BRING YOU WHAT YOU NEED. FORCE, CONTROL, AND STRUGGLE ARE NOT YOUR WAY.
I will meditate on how I can allow others to answer and act without my input or advice.

8.YOU FEEL A SENSE OF CONNECTION WITH YOUR SOURCE.
I will try to find a way to make other people feel special, rather than trying to impress them with intellectual superiority, thus alienating them.

9.YOU ARE COMMITTED TO GIVING AS THE SOURCE OF ALL ABUNDANCE.
I will focus on the realization that time and attention is a gift and try to give it freely and generously when requested.

10.YOU SEE ALL CHANGE, INCLUDING BIRTH AND DEATH, AGAINST THE BACKGROUND OF IMMORTALITY. WHATEVER IS UNCHANGING IS MOST REAL TO YOU.
I will try to anticipate the positive possibilities when change presents itself, rather than panicking.

All these things suddenly came together, from recent experiences, conversations, realizations, and there they all were, just pouring out as suggestions for a blueprint to begin improving my character.

Good listeners are hard to find. I have spent YEARS and years griping and giving lip service to how people don’t know how to listen, they don’t hear, and they spend that time they should be hearing planning what they will say to you.

When they have a disagreement with you, all they can do is thing about how to make you understand their point of view.

After years and years of INTELLECTUALLY knowing this, I did not begin to manifest it as a desire to actually act upon it and change until I began doing this exercise.

I was talking last night to mom about pain and how it is like a tattoo needle and pain is the learning experience.

If we cry to God to keep us from pain and protect us, we cheat ourselves of learning.

I recently forwarded an excellent cartoon out to my friends. I just found it on youtube and I think the impact watching it this way is much more powerful:

A common complaint that people have against God is that he allows us to feel pain. We demand to be free and have free will, yet we want him to shield us from pain. We cannot have it both ways.

It was breathtaking how safe and unafraid I felt once I relented stopped asking God to shield me from pain, but rather be with me as I went through what I needed to learn.

On Dying

For many years, I have felt a certainty that I will continue beyond physical death.

95% of the time, this comforts me, and I rely on it in times of thoughts of death.

Sometimes, though, my mind decides to play devil’s advocate, and I think about the alternative.

The pleasant reality is that I have come to appreciate both possibilities.

It seems there are two, given my …current circumstances.

1. I die, and there is life after death, and the REAL adventure begins!

2. I die, and that’s it. I finally have some peace and quiet, and never again will anything pain or suffer me again.

The pondering of #1 is like winning the lottery, but better. More like an eternal lucid dream… awareness after death…eternal

awareness…never dying…

The pondering of #2 is peace….eternal peace. After all of life’s pains, annoyances, fears, frustrations, worries, suffering, and

grief….never again. Never a single other suffering. FOREVER peace.

Both of these sound pretty spectacular to me.

Unfortunately, a third thought has popped up.

No, it’s not Hell.
No. I’m not much of a hell ponderer.

I go back several years to a quote that stuck in my mind…. a quote that has niggled my mind and gently troubled me for years.

Only recently has it really meant so much to me.

John Donne:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the

sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s

death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for

thee.

Queerly, it isn’t an intellectual draw.

It’s something stranger and deeper. It’s in my bones, my blood, my cells, if you will.

Read this again. I mean it very, very strongly.

How can you know your brother is going to hell, and not care? How can you think ANYONE is going to hell, and not care? Is

it not like going to hell yourself?

How can you ascend to heaven, knowing your brethren are descending to hell?

I could not.

And I ponder it, in those dark times when I think about the rotting, the dead, the worms eating me… (no, I didn’t just make that

up…I got it from my Baptist Minister grandfather..of all places…yet at what point in life he said it, I do not know. Perhaps it was

when he was dying, young, from uremic poisoning and looked into my still then idealistic and religious father’s eyes with a look

my father would later claim as saying, “This has all been bullshit.”)

Why is it dark? Because I think, selfishly, oh, the relief from life’s miseries, if instead of afterlife, we really die, worms eating us,

as the athiest proclaims,what a wonderful, pleasant relief….

but no.

John Donne still haunts me.

Damn you, John Donne.

I think about that tiny, tiny, tiny little possibility….that possibility that maybe we really DO rot in the ground, worms eating us, as

Grandpa Lunsford said, and I think, no…you cannot relax, and finally achieve relief.

There are others you are interweaved with, entwined with, who are suffering…those who you leave behind…who continue to live

and breath and breed and suffer and die and yearn…and it goes on and on and on and on and on…forever and ever and

ever…and how can you relax and have any kind of relief knowing you are entertwined with these…souls…and that they will

continue striving on and suffering?

How could I possibly believe, Pappy Lunsford, that at the end, suffering and in pain and dying, that we are really just primates,

and it was all for naught, and the worms eat us?

How you must have felt when you you passed over and found out differently.

Controlling Your Emotions Through Expression

It was a few weeks ago when wallowing in one of my longer-lasting emotional valleys that I suddenly remembered something that had vaguely caught my interest a couple years back in Bio Psych class. It was about the James-Lange theory. (Here’s a synopsis of it: http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/james_lange_emotion.htm

Common View:

Scary Happening ——-> Fear —————> Running Away Lange Theory

Scary Happening——–>Running Away ——>Fear

I got to thinking about all this, when I was in my Doldrums Mode. And I decided to experiment. For one full day. I decided to smile. ALL DAY. Now, part of my Doldrums Mode experience was that two things that were happening dissipated:

1. I was rolling and saturating in past experiences. I could not stop rubbing my own nose in my past screw ups, dumb-asseries, and uglinessess. And, oh Lord, what simple things some of them were… very, very simple little silly things nobody would ever remember except me, and I was slamming my face into them, over and over. Looking back, it was like a sick, subconscious attempt at “flooding” (a technique used in behavior therapy; client is flooded with experiences of a particular kind until becoming either averse to them or numbed to them) , but for the purpose of changing reactions to memories this time, rather than phobia control. Well, it wasn’t working. The shocking result #1 of my neurological smile experiment was this: when I dredged up these memories with a big grin on my face, THE SHAME DISSIPATED. This is so huge you may just sort of overlook it. It’s one of those things the human mind doesn’t really grasp so well. Author Whitley Streiber said when something is TOO bizarre, the brain ignores it. Makes sense. You will probably not believe this, but on that day, my past-pain-wallowing STOPPED.

2. Shocking result number two. During this smile experience, I realized that IT WAS MORE DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER THE ACTUAL PAINFUL DETAILS OF AN EVENT.

——————————————————————

Now, I am not a neurologist. (I only play one in my more imaginative manic moods, hardy har. ) But this seems like some pretty heavy stuff, and it bears further experimentation. I also noticed that when I thought of stereotypically sad things that didn’t particularly bother me, and then put on a mock-tragic expression of sadness, that I seemed to feel sadder. Here is a simple article on the subject. I highly recommend doing your own experiments…

Here’s an article that touches upon it a bit…

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1871687,00.html

BTW…I am a courier, so grinning hugely while on the road was no problem for me.  As for those that work in an office….you’re on your own…  LOL

Uncle Arthur, I never knew ye….

My mother has been making a scrapbook for my son for Christmas.  Oh, it’s fabulous. Captions, special paper, quotes, all manner of wonderfulness.

The mess in the dining room is spectacular.

The greatest fun, though, is all the pictures that are laying about.  Some just bring back memories. Others, I have never seen.

It was with a great thrill that I found a stack from my father’s collection. I found pictures of my grandpa, Reverend Lunsford Heath, and pictures I’d never seen of my grandmother, and all kinds of things.

But the best was a mystery man….ARTHUR. 

I had to wait until mom and dad got up to find out who this mystery man was.

It’s UNCLE Arthur!

With glee, I showed mom the picture, and commented on the tounge in cheek “long face” comment…..she added, and they’re both made of wood…

Not the wooden leg! said I, with further glee!

When dad was small, and obedient, he asked a man what had happened to his leg.  The man responded, “If you promise not to ask any more questions, I will tell you!”

My father promised.

“Something bit it.”

What of Suffering?

I’m in a state of maniacal glee…not unlike a mad woman.
Have you ever been so infused with JOY that you begin laughing and crying at the same time, and felt like a
bubble bouncing along a stream?  I have been doing this all day.  Sometimes while reading, sometimes while
just driving along.  It begins bubbling up again, and I am like a crazy woman, driving down the road,
laughing crazily with tears running down my face.

I am experiencing the  book The Great Divorce by CS Lewis.  It is metaphorically named and takes
place in Heaven. It is based on a dream.  Yet, I read it and it seems so true…it resonates with me.

For a long, long time, I have had a feeling I could not quite put into words about the significance of suffering.

People have long asked why God allows people to suffer, and while there are several answers to this
question, one thing stands out in my mind, that is so hard to explain.  I felt, somehow, that on the other side, in eternity, it will seem as nothing.

When one’s friend has suffered a loss, or is suffering, (and lately it seems many have) my heart turns cowardly and can not, will not, brave answering the question. I simply express my pain at their pain, and do not suppose to suggest reasons we must suffer or any thoughts on the subject.

In The Great Divorce, I came upon this.  I want to share it with YOU.  I hope that this will entice you to
also read the book and that you too, will experience the same joy.  If you find that I have caused you to
yearn to read it too, and do not have the means, email me and I will try to provide you with a copy.

‘Son,’ he said, ‘ye cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door

of the Timeless he brought no message back.  But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good

and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective.  Not only this valley but all their earthly past will

have been Heaven to those who are saved.  Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too,

will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell.  That is what mortals misunderstand.  They say of some

temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it.” not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work

backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say, “Let me have but

this and I’ll take the consequences”: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past

and contaminate the pleasure of the sin.  Both processes begin even before death.  The good man’s past

begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad

man’s past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness.  And that is why, at the end of

all things, when the sun reises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say “We

have never lived anywhere except in Heaven, “and the Lost, “We were always in Hell. “  And both will

speak truly.’

Happy Birthday, Romeow

It r Romeow’s Birfday.

*teh donkee is all alone and tinks
she cannutt bee herd*

Is quiet, and

Her is thinkeeng abowt her Romeow.

Shhhh…u kin heer hurr fots if u lissen
wiff ur hart:

“Oh, Romeow
u is a star
u shine so brite, so brite
u is a lite.

And insite.
U sends mee wurds
u fink r nuffin speshull
an i sits an stares at dem
an dey vibrates wiff a magnetism

(sumtimes like wen i reeds mah Good Book
its kind ub like dat)

an u say
oh donkey wut a bootifull thing
an turn it into a lettur
dat i wunt to frame
u mek mee feel 5 an wunt to SING

U fly froo teh sky
wiff no feer
and I
has a hart full ub lub
an eyes full ub teers as I sings

u gibs ME wings!

an, oh! U meks such bootifull fings

why,
i fink i wud find dem at teh fantsy place
or sumplace furr ellebentee thousand dollars
butt dem is priceless.

an Romeow teh cat
Rest him soul
looks down an crais
wiff joy dat hee gotts too bee yur bebbeh

How prowd hee muss bee
Hee shows all him frens
an points wiff floofeh arm
Look, dat MAH hyoomun
an has a prowd
an dey nod sollumlee
wiff big eyes

sumtams i marvels how life can bee so byootifull,
an den u cums along and turns up teh shine.