On Love As a Choice

I was thinking again today about how just before I turned into a Shrek Donkey, someone dear to me told me love is a choice.

This was a different concept to me, and the more I turned it around, the more advantageous it appeared.

I realized it was TOTALLY to my advantage. Here’s a little psychological history on me as to why.

(Why not share it? Hell, I’ve already told you the most private stuff imaginable. This outta be a piece of cake. :/ )

As a probable result of my poor self esteem being raised by one half of my parents in a rather emotionally unhealthy manner, and the possible resulting affect of slowly growing obesity, my self-esteem has been rather poor in certain areas, as you can imagine. (In others, I am wildly arrogant…go figure. That must be from where my doting mother got a hold of me…LOL) So I spent a lot of my childhood, teen years, and adulthood till the last 2 years rejecting before I could be rejected.

I remember, with uncomfortable pain, my assy response when I showed up at Guion Creek Elementary in second grade. They called my name and everyone turned to stare. Instead of smiling and saying hi, I gave them all the buggy-eyed shaky face. They all turned back around. Who’d want to be friends with that? When Davy Albert asked me to skate, I was shocked. Who’d want to skate with me? Ewww, I replied before I could think. He skated with my friend. He was a nice, funny, friendly boy. I still remember feeling like a heel. I was mean to boys as a way of testing them. I’ll digress a minute. I have finally come to realize I fear losing people. So I would pick on them. If they could handle it, I could be attracted. Then, they had to be mean. They had to be able to take care of themselves. The possibility of losing them and suffering was too harsh to bear. I would sabotage relationships. I would either cling and then reject, or just reject.

My life is full of this crap. Full of insane crap, like when some guy refers to his wife, I automatically suspect he thinks I’m desperate and he has to head me off at the pass. Specially if I am training him and being friendly. How soon will he ohhhh-so-casually-mention his wife? Do any other women have this feeling? Then I worry that I don’t look blase enough about it when he mentions her. I fear he will mistake my fear of being mistakenly thought of as attracted as being disappointed. Can you believe this??? It’s horrible. It’s a horrible way to torture yourself and others.

My second husband told me the song Desperado fit me. I was stunned at his perception.
(Here’s a link for the unfamiliar: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/eagles/desperado_20044565.html )

I married my first husband, a guy like Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard. Me, a pendantic, bitter, snobbish windbag, marrying him. He was wildly attracted to me. I had no attraction to him. He was the only one I ever dated, kissed, held hands with. I cried the first time. He was like a brother and a buddy. It was ’84 when we married. I was only 18, and so childish and immature. We divorced within 2 years. I just didn’t think anyone else would want me, but found out different during my marriage and was horribly regretful.

I didn’t marry again until ’97. We were together for years, but he didn’t marry me till ’97. Then he cheated on me and asked me to leave 3 months later. I was relieved. He was verbally abusive and prone to fits. We never divorced, but I’m happy he lives with a nice woman now and has both matured and softened. We are on good terms.

That’s when I came to California, and finally began dating nice men. (Well, my first husband was exceptionally nice, but it took more than 10 years to appreciate a nice man.)

But I wasn’t ready yet. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago I burned up like a phoenix in a passionate flame for a grade A creepy weirdo, a control freak. After a few more guys I lost it and stopped dating. I was FINALLY SICK OF IT. I snapped when I guy I was seeing and having dinner with him and his son, made some comment about me not being his girlfriend. He pestered me for months after. Being pestered felt great. I never went back. I haven’t dated now for about 2 years and turned into The Donkey. I realized it was time to close the candy shop. No more being used.

It was around then I learned about Love Being A Choice. OMCC…I realized the SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM!

I could choose to love EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! By doing this, which was what I had hungered for from my very earliest beginnings, I was freed! I no longer had to feel nervous about telling someone I cared for them, because I freely admit I care for EVERYONE. If someone said, Oh, I’m not interested in you, I can reply, “Oh it’s not sexual.” I am a Christian and I try to love everyone.

Some are easier to love than others, and it is very freeing to try to love everyone. Some people are really jerky. It is a great feeling to reject returning their attitude and love them instead. It makes me feel like such a better person, and not like a victim.

On the Internet, I really learned how true “a kind answer turneth away wrath” is. So many people need to learn to pick their battles. So many angry, petty people hopping into tempests in teapots. Let it go. Say something nice. It is important to be the big man or woman to people. Pride is a terrible thing when anger get involved. By releasing your pride and acquiescing, you reduce the tension and may even win a friend. Lucky you! 🙂

So that’s part of my psychology. I don’t know if many others are that neurotic or not, but that is what feedback is for. I would be curious to know if others have had my growing up experience.

Thanks for “listening.”

PS It’s nice to be able to just write love, Kathleen on letters, too….I do it often. If anyone objects to being loved, I will tell them I do it to everyone. NO one has objected yet.

*big grin*